Night

I loooooooove mocha

no particular title

It seems like I still can’t get rid of the california bug. In fact it has driven me to the point where I have started shipping clothes in from my favourite stores there. If I had the money, I would go back there to visit for a month. (I could make that sort of money in perhaps, three months with my current job).

The op went really well and my surgeon was superb. I was hardly bleeding at all after it was over. When I walked into the operating theatre I thought the scene bore an uncanny resemblance to the one in Fringe where they grabbed Olivia and put her there to harvest her baby. I didn’t have any time to freak out or yelp at the nurse who stuck a needle into my vein. I was out within three seconds. Anyway, when I was under the anesthetic, I dreamt about the dress I wanted to buy, duck mee, and Sam. I can’t remember what exactly about Sam I dreamt about because the moment he came into my dream the nurse woke me up. I guess you just think about the most important person in your life subconsciously when you’re in a somewhat critical moment. The doc also gave me a few jabs on my tongue and gums – all when I was sleeping, and this made my first day very bearable, since the first day is supposed to hurt the most!

When I woke up, I had blurred vision for quite a while. I could hardly mumble or smile. I thought about how it must have been hard on ah ma all those years she was on the morphine. To be drugged day and night just to be numbed from the pain. I only had one tube sticking into my left wrist…she had much more. It’s been so many years but I still think of her and miss her everyday.

It’s great to be resting.

Tiffany & Co.

Samuel got me a Tiffany & Co. necklace for my 20th birthday :)

Guilt, guilt, more guilt

I feel like if I don’t write I’ll combust into flames and die. I have been hyper ventilating a lot lately, more often than not just for fun to irk Sam, but sometimes because I am really disappointed with how I’ve let things become.

I keep trying to tell myself that I can only do my best and God is the one who gives the increase. But I can’t help but feel the despair. I used to have a plan for the future, but I don’t know where my life is heading now. Do you know how that feels like?

I’ve neglected all my loved ones, friends and family included in the course of this final semester, and have been constantly beating myself over it. I try to reason that it wasn’t my fault that things just got to busy but truth to be told, I just got busy with myself. There is a certain quality and essence about narcissism that sucks you in and keeps you caged like a prisoner undergoing cold turkey, except, they left a pot of drugs and you keep helping yourself to it anyway. (so it’s not really cold turkey) How much time am I going to allocate to myself till I find that it’s enough time for myself? Nobody ever tires of ME time.

How dare I even try to make time for myself when I haven’t made time for anybody else? It’s so crazily selfish and it just doesn’t make sense.

I just want things to go back to the way they were. If I had known, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to even try. Sometimes it’s better to hang on to a little hope instead of no hope at all.

Now God, please tell me where to go. A glimmer of hope, maybe?

(Sometimes I wonder if LA was the peak of all the things I am ever ever going to achieve in my lifetime. Sometimes I wish I stayed and never left. I have gained, but lost so much more.)

–

I hope you’ll forgive me. For the person I have become. For all the things I could do but chose not to. For the things I could have chose not to do but still did. For standing by my independence. For indulging too much in my independence. There is freedom in independence; but there is only so much independence one can stand for until being alone just becomes being lonely.

My insides are screaming: this is still me. I am still here. I am still me. And I am sorry

Fruitful weekend

My weekend was very fruitful, albeit the fact that I had to wake up really early on both days. Saturday saw me at the day care centre for people with dementia, and I finally understood why it is so important to raise awareness about it. The issue at hand we are facing is very real, and it is not easy to take care of someone with dementia – even if it is for a day, for a few hours (8am – 4pm) like what we did. While I am glad this workshop turned out to be a success, I am careful not to just look at it as an event that went successfully but an event that I want to go successfully so that the participants have a fruitful experience.

I went with Sam and his family for his granny’s birthday dinner that night, and that was nice.

Sunday was horrid. I woke up at 4am hoping to catch a glimpse of the sun rising. I got all my gear ready, including the tripod and the circular polariser, except that there was heavy downpour and Sam, Daniel and I got drenched quite badly, and there was no sun. I felt it constantly throughout the day that the sun was mocking me behind the clouds, because it wasn’t that it didn’t rise – it did and was blocked by the clouds the entire day. If anything, I was angry at the sun, which sounds childish but you’d be if you woke up 4am to see it but it didn’t appear. Like playing hide and seek and realising who you’re seeking doesn’t intend to be..found after all. (So what was the point of playing the game?! What was the point waking up so early for it!?) I went to church after that and had so much trouble keeping my eyes open. I got back home at around 5pm, and then decided that I should take a nap for a bit, set my alarm for 7pm, and only woke up at 7.30am today. I slept for more than 14 hours I think. That goes to say that any work I planned to do last night is still undone.

It feels kind of weird I guess, to sleep through half of Sunday to Monday.

Shadows of doubt

Maybe I should stop trying to solve other people’s problems. If I had a strength and a flaw – it would be that I am fiercely loyal to the ones I love. Some things do not fall under my care or responsibility. I am not responsible for your lack of self-control, or your blatant stupidity, or your delusional front. Or your lack of effort in the friendship you have with me. In fact, maybe I am the one who has to practice more self control, be less stupid, and wake up to reality.

Less is more, but what if…less just gets lesser most of the time? People just…move on. And then you will find me, in the shadow of your memory. Screaming nothing but insignificance.

I am not responsible for who you turn out to be, what you become. I am not.

But it’s okay. I keep telling myself that. Because I have long found a way of defense: self sufficiency. (with God, of course)

Efficient in nothing but

Liz said something to me and Yunwei the other day that I thought was hilarious.

So I was having my lunch at Far East plaza before we went to do our nails, and Liz got irritated with my slow eating speed and said indignantly:

“Wah why you eat so slow!?

“You know Yunwei, she does everything so slowly – eat slow, walk slow, put makeup slow, but the only thing that she does really fast is her assignments and replying emails!”

That made me laughed so hard. Aahhaha. 知我者Liza也。

Nothing gets better than this

I finally met up with my best friends after a year. To have Jessie, Liza, Yunwei, and Andy all seated around a table, catching up…seems so surreal. I have almost forgotten how it feels like to be the person part of such conversation. These people keep me grounded, that I may lose a certain part of myself that belongs to them solely because I have been so busy with getting through life, but find that part of me back eventually. I haven’t seen Liz in almost a year. And I find it incredulous how big I’ve become when I stand beside these skinny girls haha.

What a blessing to have them in my life. For the past 7 years of my life. This is the reason why I make no or minimal effort when it comes to meeting new people. Because I am convinced these are the best bunch of people I will ever, ever meet.

:)

Answered prayer

If you are wondering why there haven’t been any updates on this space, it is because I have been channelling all my ideas to my poems for my bookpub classes…and well, other school assignments. I have been working on a few projects that I am actually excited to undertake, and I am praying that all will go well eventually. Another eight more weeks to my unofficial graduation. I received two emails that made my day today, one all the way from LA, and another, from an old, dear friend of mine. I also went for NAPFA and passed all the stations except my 2.4km run…but hey at least I tried my best :) One more week to the Christmas break and I am more than ready to do work during that two weeks haha. It sounds strange but it’s the last lap, there is no point in enjoying my holidays when I have a longer one awaiting me after I unofficially graduate :) Speaking of which, pick up a copy of npTribune and lookout for my byline!

I can also safely say, at the end of week 8, I call/email people for interviews #likeaboss. The initial fear of talking to strangers has finally dissipated. While I still hate the exhorting, cajoling, coaxing my interviewees part of my interviews, I know that God is in control and He will hold me fast. He will not allow me to become a cold-blooded, detached person just for the sake of getting a story.