Three years gone in a flash,

What is time?

It was so surreal to be seated with the graduating class of 2012 last night at the dinner at Grand Copthorne. I still remember vividly how I was struggling to conquer the o levels back in 08, an worrying about my F9s for math and science and wondering if I would fail all of it and end up somewhere less than desirable.

The past three years were the most fulfilling years of my life yet. And I have evidently outdone myself. Ngee Ann was really a great, if not the best, learning environment and my education there took me to places around the world: Shanghai, LA, New York. I saw so many of my little dreams come true.

The Lord is good, He’s so good to me.

Fruitful weekend

My weekend was very fruitful, albeit the fact that I had to wake up really early on both days. Saturday saw me at the day care centre for people with dementia, and I finally understood why it is so important to raise awareness about it. The issue at hand we are facing is very real, and it is not easy to take care of someone with dementia – even if it is for a day, for a few hours (8am – 4pm) like what we did. While I am glad this workshop turned out to be a success, I am careful not to just look at it as an event that went successfully but an event that I want to go successfully so that the participants have a fruitful experience.

I went with Sam and his family for his granny’s birthday dinner that night, and that was nice.

Sunday was horrid. I woke up at 4am hoping to catch a glimpse of the sun rising. I got all my gear ready, including the tripod and the circular polariser, except that there was heavy downpour and Sam, Daniel and I got drenched quite badly, and there was no sun. I felt it constantly throughout the day that the sun was mocking me behind the clouds, because it wasn’t that it didn’t rise – it did and was blocked by the clouds the entire day. If anything, I was angry at the sun, which sounds childish but you’d be if you woke up 4am to see it but it didn’t appear. Like playing hide and seek and realising who you’re seeking doesn’t intend to be..found after all. (So what was the point of playing the game?! What was the point waking up so early for it!?) I went to church after that and had so much trouble keeping my eyes open. I got back home at around 5pm, and then decided that I should take a nap for a bit, set my alarm for 7pm, and only woke up at 7.30am today. I slept for more than 14 hours I think. That goes to say that any work I planned to do last night is still undone.

It feels kind of weird I guess, to sleep through half of Sunday to Monday.

Miracle

Today was yet another miracle.

Well for one, the workshop took off rather well and good I suppose. I might have screwed a wee bit of it up this morning but, I made it through. And to this I can only say that God was there helping me each step of the way. Now that I have one of the three workshops down, I have only two more to go.

I think the hardest part about having to organise these three workshops is ultimately realising where my motive lies at the end of the day. It struck me when I was listening to the caregiver talk about her mother with dementia (which I can relate to because my grandfather was recently diagnosed with alzheimer’s last year while I was in the states), that I was possibly holding this series of workshops just for my story in tribune. That was when..I realised how possibly apathetic I can be – and how I can go the extra mile because of my hidden agenda, and that my intentions are, afterall – as much as I want them to be – not as pure as I thought them to be. Which by the way, is not something very nice to realise about yourself.

I need to realign my..priorities. This is not just for my story. It is not just a project. It encompasses a bigger, greater motive than just that. The people I invite to come onboard these workshops, they are truly passionate about raising awareness about dementia. And while it will be completely unfair to say that I am not doing the same, I am trying. I am trying to integrate both the ideas – that I am doing this to truly, sincerely raise awareness about this issue that is going to affect all us youths in the 10, 20 years to come, and at the same time, get my final stories done for tribune. But it’s hard.

How do you try to integrate two ideas with somewhat different motives and vested interests?

Maybe it will be easier to just focus on doing this for public good. (And better of course.)

Till today, I can safely say that…even if the second workshop doesn’t take place in time for me to write the article, I would still go ahead with it. Because this is not about whether I get my story. Or whether it makes it in time for tribune. This is about sending messages out to people about dementia. Even if at the end of the day, everything turns out to be really crappy that it can’t make a story, I hope that in a way, I have allowed a group of people to benefit from this series of workshops.

Unfortunately for me, I have been raised to fend for myself all the time…so in a way the shrewdness developed since I was a very young girl. I wish I had less of that, that I didn’t know how to read motives/agendas or scheme my way through. It invades your mind and corrupts all the innocence in every situation. Like dropping a drop red dye into a cup of water and watching it diffuse. Sometimes I really envy my friends who think less of things.

Overwhelmed

I tend to forget that people have real jobs to do. And I can be such a nuisance. I think if I were the person I would have done something to shut this annoying girl up who sends like 10 emails a day asking for a favour. I need to chill man. (Anyway..it’s by grace that…the guy hasn’t slapped me in the face yet for being…childish and immature). But hey sometimes it just takes “20 seconds of courage”…to get something done.

I had “o ye of lil’ faith” slap me in the face again. It happens everytime. Why can’t the fact that God is good and faithful stay in my head like its supposed to? I can’t believe I didn’t even take a glance at the forms I set up for the workshops. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO COME. *shrieks with excitement*

What a miracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS, GOING, TO BE, OKAY RIGHT?

I am going to shut up before “o ye of lil faith” knocks the wind out of my stomach, again.

Just fine. Fine.

 

Anyway on a side note I bought a shirt that has JE NE SAIS QUOI in block letters on it.

I KNOW NOT WHAT. I KNOW NOT WHAT. I KNOW NOT WHAT. I KNOW NOT WHAT. *chants*

2011

I want to do well so badly in life it’s ridiculous. But procrastination is my worst enemy as always. What’s more ridiculous is how I lack the discipline to get down to it.

Everyday feels like a Saturday to me. Especially this week. Its bad, because I will get a rude shock when I get back to school in two day’s time.

But I missed this. I missed Saturdays in LA especially.

This year flew by way too fast.

I still can’t believe how I made it to Hollywood, or how I got through the six months living on my own. I managed to get away from Singapore, which I vaguely recall, was driving me to the brink of asphyxiation. I remember how all my innate instincts were resonating with the same voice, telling me that it was time to go, even if it meant leaving Sam and my loved ones for a while. I remember the frustration when my visa got delayed, and how I couldn’t sleep for nights because I knew that if it didn’t work out fine in the end, I would probably be a very miserable grump up till now. But being away healed me in ways I never thought possible. I learnt how to tune out to things that I shouldn’t be concerned with, to truly be myself again…because nobody knew me there and I am truly myself when nobody is looking, which is, the reason why I love being by myself alot.

I worked at Myriad, which was in my opinion, the best place to be if you’re learning the ropes to the American film industry. I worked under a tough boss, and had good and bad days in the office. The good ones would see me joking with my colleagues and fighting over chocolate and starburst candies or making stupid, silly jokes about one another, and the bad ones saw me crying during the day cos I was missing it here too much. I know the times I could have gotten fired due to my careless blunders, but God is so gracious…His grace is all sufficient for me.

I met Maria, who is the most wonderful person to live with if you’re away from home for a while. I will always, always remember her kindness and graciousness to me..and how she took care of me throughout my stay there.

They say trips could make or break a relationship, but fortunately for Sam and I, the long distance didn’t manage to harm or threaten the balance of ours. In fact, though Melody and Hosanna thought that I was very nonchalant about the bouquet of tulips he bought me on the day he met me after three months, I was indeed, very touched. Except tulips weren’t my favourite…and I didn’t know how to react after not seeing him for so, so long. But the three weeks in LA with Sam has been by far the most magical moments of my life. And though he isn’t the kind of guy to buy me the right flowers, what matters was that he flew so many miles out just right after his last paper ended to see me. Me. Till today I marvel at why he has decided to come back and settle for me, because he could have just continued…walking and leaving. (and to add impact to my point, I am going to tell all of you who thought I was wrong about him: I have always stood firm that Sam has it in him to be the right kind of guy for me. Even if he did a lot that was wrong before. But this is what I did: I truly believed that he could be a good person. And I am happy to say that he hasn’t proven me wrong. And heres to all of you who thought I would look back to when I was 15 and think I was stupid or foolish – I never regretted waiting.) Its been six years now.

I travelled on my own to New York after the internship, lugging two 70 pound luggages to LAX. And trust me, getting through customs in America can be ultra scary. I don’t know how I did it really! I got to Charlotte for my transit flight to New York and realised that my flight was the last one they allowed out due to Hurricane Irene which was touching down that weekend. So I got to experience a true hurricane….and having to clear out a flooded basement at 7am in the morning. Speaking of New York, I remember vividly that one night I sat in prayer telling God my hopes and dreams and how New York is that one city in this world I have to be at before I turn 25. And I was…there.

When I came back, I got to meet up with Ted aka Josh Radnor from HIMYM as a Myriad representative at SIFF, and…it was just so strange to read up so much about someone and finally get to meet this someone in person. Julianna then came to Singapore from LA on a business trip, and I took her on a crazy one day tour.

I also got accepted to UniMelb and Monash….but still really want to study locally though. Life decisions sigh.

And then on Christmas I received a mail from the school’s corporate comms department, with a magazine that had me in it, which was kind of weird cos I always thought that people who appeared in such magazines are nerds(well I guess that kind of makes me one now).

Other than that, I picked up poetry writing thanks to book writing and publishing classes, and also managed to get real feedback on my work. I got to specialise in journalism too, which is…still pretty amazing.

Sometimes God is just so good, no wait, scratch that – God is ALWAYS good(even if I am not considered to be petite anymore cos I have grown proportionally to resemble the Caucasian size…or even if I put on too much weight due to my trip to the states). Everything that happened to me in 2011 was nothing short of amazing. One of the best years of my life.

Fairly excited, okay maybe more than “fairly”

You see this is the thing about me: I like to take on huge projects – just so because I model after my dad, who is pretty ambitious as a person. Then I kill myself over it. I pant and pant and pant because I work myself too hard. I stress over it every minute of the day, wondering why hasn’t the MOST important person of my project gotten back to me yet? Or why does everything seem to be progressing so slowly? That even as I type this this very second I am bleeding time(..every second of it)? And yet I relish in this….”pain”. There are moments when I talk to God and I ask Him why did He even allow me to be so stupid to take up such a huge scale project that is so time consuming…that I have to race against time to get it done. Besides, it’s my first time managing something like that – which only means I am entirely clueless as to going about the whole drill. And then I watch each step I take materialise…and every milestone conquered seems to be a miracle (From emailing, getting responses, doing phone calls, to meeting these people face to face to talk in detail about things) That even as I am groping in the dark, God has provided some sort of LED light for me to look at – to keep focus.

And then I realise He is going to take care of it for me, and that Lord willing, this will work out.

“Emmanuel/Immanuel” – meaning “God [is] with us”.

Well if it doesn’t, then

I will tell you what going to LA taught me: It is okay to fail or do it all wrong. As long as you get up and learn how to do it right.

I keep telling myself this is IT. IT IS the LAST LAP of my diploma. So all I have to do is CHARGE AHEAD AND DONT LOOK BACK. And even before I know it, it will be all over and I will find myself missing school in ngee ann.

Efficient in nothing but

Liz said something to me and Yunwei the other day that I thought was hilarious.

So I was having my lunch at Far East plaza before we went to do our nails, and Liz got irritated with my slow eating speed and said indignantly:

“Wah why you eat so slow!?

“You know Yunwei, she does everything so slowly – eat slow, walk slow, put makeup slow, but the only thing that she does really fast is her assignments and replying emails!”

That made me laughed so hard. Aahhaha. 知我者Liza也。

Answered prayer

If you are wondering why there haven’t been any updates on this space, it is because I have been channelling all my ideas to my poems for my bookpub classes…and well, other school assignments. I have been working on a few projects that I am actually excited to undertake, and I am praying that all will go well eventually. Another eight more weeks to my unofficial graduation. I received two emails that made my day today, one all the way from LA, and another, from an old, dear friend of mine. I also went for NAPFA and passed all the stations except my 2.4km run…but hey at least I tried my best :) One more week to the Christmas break and I am more than ready to do work during that two weeks haha. It sounds strange but it’s the last lap, there is no point in enjoying my holidays when I have a longer one awaiting me after I unofficially graduate :) Speaking of which, pick up a copy of npTribune and lookout for my byline!

I can also safely say, at the end of week 8, I call/email people for interviews #likeaboss. The initial fear of talking to strangers has finally dissipated. While I still hate the exhorting, cajoling, coaxing my interviewees part of my interviews, I know that God is in control and He will hold me fast. He will not allow me to become a cold-blooded, detached person just for the sake of getting a story.

Contradicting convictions

I have been thinking – what if there is no one job I could do my whole life? Just because all human beings are fickle and need change constantly in their lives. I spoke to an environmentalist earlier on, who started out studying media, and went on to do PR and then decided she wanted to do writing but ended up setting up a non-profit organization, and her very own green PR company.

When she was my age, she was looking for that one job she would do all her life too.

What if there is no such thing as having just one profession all my life? Would I be job hopping? Would I hate my job(s) so much that I end up being poor(or rich) and miserable? I hate the thought of not knowing what I m going to be in future. It frightens me a lot. I wish I had devised a plan B…now I guess I just have to look for it. And fast.

I couldn’t be more nonchalant about my acceptance to the best university in Australia. I received the news today. I guess it’s because I know I will never have the money to be able to go…and I’ve used much of my parents savings when I took a trip to LA last April.

Sometimes, having to choose does not necessarily mean freedom to choose. Is there true freedom in choosing when you’ve so many options? I guess not.

I miss it when the only things I had to choose were between an apple or an orange, the piano or ballet, pink or yellow dress, to do or not do, to go or not go.

I was so much myself when I was living in LA. Simply because nobody there knew me. You know what they say, when no one is looking, that’s who you really are.

I worked so hard for two years doing something I love, only to realise I dislike the person I have become because of it. But I refuse to let it consume me. Refuse.

No longer

I cannot find it in me to do this anymore. So I will look for it in you, Lord.

Hey, I got through another week yes? 15 more to go.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.