It’s been a while since I last felt this way: 5 months to be exact.
I can’t believe how much I missed working.
I am happy to be where I am right now :’) Love the absurd working hours and the environment. Though the job is less than ideal (I still want to be a journalist!), I am sure God has His plan for me. As for now, I will relish in the moment of being “in between”.
Final semester results out in less than 12 hours.
Home in two hours.
Falling asleep in 3….2….1…..
KIDDING
I tend to forget that people have real jobs to do. And I can be such a nuisance. I think if I were the person I would have done something to shut this annoying girl up who sends like 10 emails a day asking for a favour. I need to chill man. (Anyway..it’s by grace that…the guy hasn’t slapped me in the face yet for being…childish and immature). But hey sometimes it just takes “20 seconds of courage”…to get something done.
I had “o ye of lil’ faith” slap me in the face again. It happens everytime. Why can’t the fact that God is good and faithful stay in my head like its supposed to? I can’t believe I didn’t even take a glance at the forms I set up for the workshops. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO COME. *shrieks with excitement*
What a miracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS, GOING, TO BE, OKAY RIGHT?
I am going to shut up before “o ye of lil faith” knocks the wind out of my stomach, again.
Just fine. Fine.
Anyway on a side note I bought a shirt that has JE NE SAIS QUOI in block letters on it.
I KNOW NOT WHAT. I KNOW NOT WHAT. I KNOW NOT WHAT. I KNOW NOT WHAT. *chants*
I think.. it was because I dropped everything I was concerned with and left, without a care in the world, or doubt as to what would become to everything here while I was away, and now I’m back, I have to pick up the pieces and continue from where I left off.
I miss being that way. Carefree. I was happy. I missed home a lot, I was away, but I knew I was truly happy. It felt so good to be away..somehow. I miss the walks to Wholefoods to get groceries on Saturday mornings, or to Citibank to get cash for my rent.
I miss the person I was when I was living by myself. At least I was independent. I was unburdened. I possessed a certain sort of confidence. At least I had the faith that things will going to be just fine even on my worse days.
But ever since I’ve been back, I feel like I’m constantly tripping and falling flat on my face. Oh it hurts, sure it does.
I miss working at Myriad. I miss having KOST 103.5 play all day and listening to cheesy….love songs and the playlist that is on constant repeat. It’s mid week two and I am so strained. I feel like a rubber band stretched to its maximum, as though I can snap any moment now – and I know can and will.
Despite being swamped with so much work (I think. Or maybe my perception of work has changed having worked in a slower pace in LA), I refuse to let myself have an excuse to not spend time with the Lord. Which is why, I went to the Japanese Garden today for a good game of amazing race and singspiration with the churchies. If not for the day off today…I can’t imagine what was going to happen to me.
When did this become so hard for me? I used to love it so much I could go for days without sleeping or eating. More importantly, why does it seem so only now? Is it possible to not want everything that you’ve always wanted after spending almost three years to get to where you are? This was what I wanted. Is this what I still want now? Or did I fall out of love with journ and fall in love with film? I can no longer separate these two ideas: being lazy or losing my grip on the things I want. So which is which?
(Sometimes I feel like I can relate to what Sylvia Plath was saying about the fig tree in her book. Other times I feel like I am almost like her…but I am hoping I am not someone like her because then it would mean that I am as insane as her)
I don’t know honestly. All I know is I feel so, so, so tired.
God save me.
1 Corinthians 3:6-9 (KJV)
6I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase.
7So then neither is he that planteth any thing, neither he that watereth; but God that giveth the increase.
8Now he that planteth and he that watereth are one: and every man shall receive his own reward according to his own labour.
It’s super surreal when I am going to meet someone I have researched and collated reviews on for months for my past work. I think no matter how many times I am going to meet these people, I will always be amazed and stupefied – Like the spell Harry taught the Dumbledore Army, stupefy, except I am rendered considerably, a lot less damage.
To look at a person and think silently, I know everything about you - the movies you starred in, the awards you won, trivial facts, gossip, who reps you, what have you been up to lately, or I know what everyone says about you. And then meet this person in real life.
In Singapore.
Super surreal.
This time, I am slightly unwilling to set my eyes on the things I want knowing that once I do that, its a done deal – I do whatever it takes to get me there (Lord willing, of course).
So I am hoping that this unwillingness will give me more time to think about which steps I should take that will lead me to where I am supposed to be.
I have been thinking about the future a lot recently. And I see you in it. Always have.
I know who holds tomorrow :’) My gracious heavenly Father.
I don’t know a story when I see one. I don’t know that I have it. I don’t recognise the potential in things that are happening daily around me. I simply brush them off as something…normal. That people are successful because it’s normal. That they got their achievements because everyone will earn and deserve their achievements somehow. That when prominent people die…it is normal because we were dying since the day we were born.
How funny is that?
The lack of humility.
Is it strange that I look forward to my driving lessons? I am bored to death at home and am probably the most lethargic person in the whole world today. School officially starts in another 10 days, so I should enjoy whatever free time I have right? I kind of miss the adrenaline rushes and the days where I don’t get sleep at all. But I don’t miss becoming a grump because I don’t get enough rest. I know what eyelid twitches are but today my upper lip keeps twitching for whatsoever reason I know not. Has anybody gotten something like that before?! UPPER LIP TWITCH. I feel like a meaningless soul because I haven’t done anything meaningful or productive except play The Sims 3 all day. Suddenly I wished I had a part time job or had gone back to Margaret to ask if I could help her at Cluny Court….but it seems all too late now. And I know how much I will regret working during my holidays because I slogged my guts out at work last semester.
I am exhausted…but happy. Finally I got someone saying that I look slightly “smaller” and “less chubby” since I got back. Seems like all the effort I put into exercising and rendering myself a more healthy body is working. I think being healthy trumps skinny; and that’s what I want to be. The only thing left to do before I let the LA disease completely manifest in me would be to take up Pilates classes. After all, the city is all about organic food, health and fitness..the only place where you sign up for a membership at the gym and yet go for it religiously every alternate day. I have been nothing but a true broccoli fan, an advocate of exercising if I am going to keep up with my ridiculously huge appetite, and telling myself that being contented is everything. I am contented. I like the exhaustion. I like having some sort of balance in my life. I like running even though I am probably the ugliest runner ever. I like that I am determined. It reminds me of who I am and what I can do when I set my heart and mind to it.
Today Sam (who majors in psychology) told me that I could be diagnosed with OCPD, the Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder – just because I am a perfectionist at everything. And all these while I have gotten it all wrong: I am OCPD, with the P(that coincidentally is the letter than spells perfectionist), not plainly OCD. Except that being a perfectionist doesn’t bother or disturb me mentally as much as it affects the people who come into contact with me. I know who else is OCPD: Melanie LEE are you reading this!? Haha! OCPD might just be contagious ;) in my opinion.
Time to wake up hazey…it’s the end of September.
For someone who is scared as hell of getting into a car accident, I sure did pretty well for my first driving lesson. Except that I keep turning into the wrong lanes and sticking to the right lanes instead of the left ones because I was very accustomed to my friends driving on the right side of the road. But it felt good. :)
