in·cre·du·li·ty

That night, on my way home after work, I was feeling so lost and desperate that I cried out to God to just save me already. If you heard the prayer that went through my mind, it would probably sound something like a helpless cry: “WILL YOU JUST LET ME STOP MOPING AROUND IN MY LIFE ALREADY AND COME AND GET ME.”

And then it became a plea: “please Father, please.”

And then I surrendered: “Take my life and let it be”

Well, He must have heard me.

The next morning, he opened a few doors for me. Even the doors that I didn’t knock on…

Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.

- Frances Ridley Havergal

Lost 2kg!

Held back the urge to weigh myself on the scales for more than a week, this morning I woke up and decided that I should and I lost weight thanks to the wisdom tooth post-op recovery process! I cannot be happier about that, though it is a bit of a hell not getting to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. My stomach seems to have shrunk because I find it hard to stuff too much food in there now. This is what self-control is all about isn’t it? A little bit of discipline goes a long way.

no particular title

It seems like I still can’t get rid of the california bug. In fact it has driven me to the point where I have started shipping clothes in from my favourite stores there. If I had the money, I would go back there to visit for a month. (I could make that sort of money in perhaps, three months with my current job).

The op went really well and my surgeon was superb. I was hardly bleeding at all after it was over. When I walked into the operating theatre I thought the scene bore an uncanny resemblance to the one in Fringe where they grabbed Olivia and put her there to harvest her baby. I didn’t have any time to freak out or yelp at the nurse who stuck a needle into my vein. I was out within three seconds. Anyway, when I was under the anesthetic, I dreamt about the dress I wanted to buy, duck mee, and Sam. I can’t remember what exactly about Sam I dreamt about because the moment he came into my dream the nurse woke me up. I guess you just think about the most important person in your life subconsciously when you’re in a somewhat critical moment. The doc also gave me a few jabs on my tongue and gums – all when I was sleeping, and this made my first day very bearable, since the first day is supposed to hurt the most!

When I woke up, I had blurred vision for quite a while. I could hardly mumble or smile. I thought about how it must have been hard on ah ma all those years she was on the morphine. To be drugged day and night just to be numbed from the pain. I only had one tube sticking into my left wrist…she had much more. It’s been so many years but I still think of her and miss her everyday.

It’s great to be resting.

Tiffany & Co.

Samuel got me a Tiffany & Co. necklace for my 20th birthday :)

Waiting

It seems like all I have been doing lately is wait.

Waiting for a breakthrough! Waiting for God to tell me why my life has turned out this way. Waiting for the universities to get back to me. Waiting for acceptance emails from people/literary journals I submitted work to. Waiting for $ to come into my bank account. Waiting for someone to finally talent spot me before I die (kidding!). Waiting for wisdom and understanding. Waiting for my final semester results that will be out this friday. Waiting for my weight to drop on the scales. Waiting for my legs to heal so I can finally jumpstart my exercise routine again.

I try to understand what is going on but I can’t. I don’t even understand myself.

Why do I try so hard to alienate new people I meet? I try to reason that it’s because of you. But that’s not really true because I did make good friends while I was in the states. I can’t help it I guess. I am so self-absorbed; I can’t stand it. How do I enjoy being by myself so much? There is a fine line between being independent and self-absorbed. (Though both may sound like the same thing AND can co-exist)

All in all – this has been an extremely humbling journey since the first of failures I experienced in almost three years. Be humble, be thankful, be grateful, Hazel.

I am thankful, grateful, and happy to be where I am working right now. Even if I am not doing anything exactly specific – it’s a step taken towards my dream nonetheless. (Sometimes I think that by taking in the atmosphere/ambience of places, it will…somehow lead me to where I want to be!)

And as always, I will polish myself, and make sure that everyone will see my shine. It’ll be hard to ignore me. I’ll dazzle. You’ll have no choice at all but to admit that I exist.

Fruitful weekend

My weekend was very fruitful, albeit the fact that I had to wake up really early on both days. Saturday saw me at the day care centre for people with dementia, and I finally understood why it is so important to raise awareness about it. The issue at hand we are facing is very real, and it is not easy to take care of someone with dementia – even if it is for a day, for a few hours (8am – 4pm) like what we did. While I am glad this workshop turned out to be a success, I am careful not to just look at it as an event that went successfully but an event that I want to go successfully so that the participants have a fruitful experience.

I went with Sam and his family for his granny’s birthday dinner that night, and that was nice.

Sunday was horrid. I woke up at 4am hoping to catch a glimpse of the sun rising. I got all my gear ready, including the tripod and the circular polariser, except that there was heavy downpour and Sam, Daniel and I got drenched quite badly, and there was no sun. I felt it constantly throughout the day that the sun was mocking me behind the clouds, because it wasn’t that it didn’t rise – it did and was blocked by the clouds the entire day. If anything, I was angry at the sun, which sounds childish but you’d be if you woke up 4am to see it but it didn’t appear. Like playing hide and seek and realising who you’re seeking doesn’t intend to be..found after all. (So what was the point of playing the game?! What was the point waking up so early for it!?) I went to church after that and had so much trouble keeping my eyes open. I got back home at around 5pm, and then decided that I should take a nap for a bit, set my alarm for 7pm, and only woke up at 7.30am today. I slept for more than 14 hours I think. That goes to say that any work I planned to do last night is still undone.

It feels kind of weird I guess, to sleep through half of Sunday to Monday.

Miracle

Today was yet another miracle.

Well for one, the workshop took off rather well and good I suppose. I might have screwed a wee bit of it up this morning but, I made it through. And to this I can only say that God was there helping me each step of the way. Now that I have one of the three workshops down, I have only two more to go.

I think the hardest part about having to organise these three workshops is ultimately realising where my motive lies at the end of the day. It struck me when I was listening to the caregiver talk about her mother with dementia (which I can relate to because my grandfather was recently diagnosed with alzheimer’s last year while I was in the states), that I was possibly holding this series of workshops just for my story in tribune. That was when..I realised how possibly apathetic I can be – and how I can go the extra mile because of my hidden agenda, and that my intentions are, afterall – as much as I want them to be – not as pure as I thought them to be. Which by the way, is not something very nice to realise about yourself.

I need to realign my..priorities. This is not just for my story. It is not just a project. It encompasses a bigger, greater motive than just that. The people I invite to come onboard these workshops, they are truly passionate about raising awareness about dementia. And while it will be completely unfair to say that I am not doing the same, I am trying. I am trying to integrate both the ideas – that I am doing this to truly, sincerely raise awareness about this issue that is going to affect all us youths in the 10, 20 years to come, and at the same time, get my final stories done for tribune. But it’s hard.

How do you try to integrate two ideas with somewhat different motives and vested interests?

Maybe it will be easier to just focus on doing this for public good. (And better of course.)

Till today, I can safely say that…even if the second workshop doesn’t take place in time for me to write the article, I would still go ahead with it. Because this is not about whether I get my story. Or whether it makes it in time for tribune. This is about sending messages out to people about dementia. Even if at the end of the day, everything turns out to be really crappy that it can’t make a story, I hope that in a way, I have allowed a group of people to benefit from this series of workshops.

Unfortunately for me, I have been raised to fend for myself all the time…so in a way the shrewdness developed since I was a very young girl. I wish I had less of that, that I didn’t know how to read motives/agendas or scheme my way through. It invades your mind and corrupts all the innocence in every situation. Like dropping a drop red dye into a cup of water and watching it diffuse. Sometimes I really envy my friends who think less of things.

Overwhelmed

I tend to forget that people have real jobs to do. And I can be such a nuisance. I think if I were the person I would have done something to shut this annoying girl up who sends like 10 emails a day asking for a favour. I need to chill man. (Anyway..it’s by grace that…the guy hasn’t slapped me in the face yet for being…childish and immature). But hey sometimes it just takes “20 seconds of courage”…to get something done.

I had “o ye of lil’ faith” slap me in the face again. It happens everytime. Why can’t the fact that God is good and faithful stay in my head like its supposed to? I can’t believe I didn’t even take a glance at the forms I set up for the workshops. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO COME. *shrieks with excitement*

What a miracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS, GOING, TO BE, OKAY RIGHT?

I am going to shut up before “o ye of lil faith” knocks the wind out of my stomach, again.

Just fine. Fine.

 

Anyway on a side note I bought a shirt that has JE NE SAIS QUOI in block letters on it.

I KNOW NOT WHAT. I KNOW NOT WHAT. I KNOW NOT WHAT. I KNOW NOT WHAT. *chants*

2011

I want to do well so badly in life it’s ridiculous. But procrastination is my worst enemy as always. What’s more ridiculous is how I lack the discipline to get down to it.

Everyday feels like a Saturday to me. Especially this week. Its bad, because I will get a rude shock when I get back to school in two day’s time.

But I missed this. I missed Saturdays in LA especially.

This year flew by way too fast.

I still can’t believe how I made it to Hollywood, or how I got through the six months living on my own. I managed to get away from Singapore, which I vaguely recall, was driving me to the brink of asphyxiation. I remember how all my innate instincts were resonating with the same voice, telling me that it was time to go, even if it meant leaving Sam and my loved ones for a while. I remember the frustration when my visa got delayed, and how I couldn’t sleep for nights because I knew that if it didn’t work out fine in the end, I would probably be a very miserable grump up till now. But being away healed me in ways I never thought possible. I learnt how to tune out to things that I shouldn’t be concerned with, to truly be myself again…because nobody knew me there and I am truly myself when nobody is looking, which is, the reason why I love being by myself alot.

I worked at Myriad, which was in my opinion, the best place to be if you’re learning the ropes to the American film industry. I worked under a tough boss, and had good and bad days in the office. The good ones would see me joking with my colleagues and fighting over chocolate and starburst candies or making stupid, silly jokes about one another, and the bad ones saw me crying during the day cos I was missing it here too much. I know the times I could have gotten fired due to my careless blunders, but God is so gracious…His grace is all sufficient for me.

I met Maria, who is the most wonderful person to live with if you’re away from home for a while. I will always, always remember her kindness and graciousness to me..and how she took care of me throughout my stay there.

They say trips could make or break a relationship, but fortunately for Sam and I, the long distance didn’t manage to harm or threaten the balance of ours. In fact, though Melody and Hosanna thought that I was very nonchalant about the bouquet of tulips he bought me on the day he met me after three months, I was indeed, very touched. Except tulips weren’t my favourite…and I didn’t know how to react after not seeing him for so, so long. But the three weeks in LA with Sam has been by far the most magical moments of my life. And though he isn’t the kind of guy to buy me the right flowers, what matters was that he flew so many miles out just right after his last paper ended to see me. Me. Till today I marvel at why he has decided to come back and settle for me, because he could have just continued…walking and leaving. (and to add impact to my point, I am going to tell all of you who thought I was wrong about him: I have always stood firm that Sam has it in him to be the right kind of guy for me. Even if he did a lot that was wrong before. But this is what I did: I truly believed that he could be a good person. And I am happy to say that he hasn’t proven me wrong. And heres to all of you who thought I would look back to when I was 15 and think I was stupid or foolish – I never regretted waiting.) Its been six years now.

I travelled on my own to New York after the internship, lugging two 70 pound luggages to LAX. And trust me, getting through customs in America can be ultra scary. I don’t know how I did it really! I got to Charlotte for my transit flight to New York and realised that my flight was the last one they allowed out due to Hurricane Irene which was touching down that weekend. So I got to experience a true hurricane….and having to clear out a flooded basement at 7am in the morning. Speaking of New York, I remember vividly that one night I sat in prayer telling God my hopes and dreams and how New York is that one city in this world I have to be at before I turn 25. And I was…there.

When I came back, I got to meet up with Ted aka Josh Radnor from HIMYM as a Myriad representative at SIFF, and…it was just so strange to read up so much about someone and finally get to meet this someone in person. Julianna then came to Singapore from LA on a business trip, and I took her on a crazy one day tour.

I also got accepted to UniMelb and Monash….but still really want to study locally though. Life decisions sigh.

And then on Christmas I received a mail from the school’s corporate comms department, with a magazine that had me in it, which was kind of weird cos I always thought that people who appeared in such magazines are nerds(well I guess that kind of makes me one now).

Other than that, I picked up poetry writing thanks to book writing and publishing classes, and also managed to get real feedback on my work. I got to specialise in journalism too, which is…still pretty amazing.

Sometimes God is just so good, no wait, scratch that – God is ALWAYS good(even if I am not considered to be petite anymore cos I have grown proportionally to resemble the Caucasian size…or even if I put on too much weight due to my trip to the states). Everything that happened to me in 2011 was nothing short of amazing. One of the best years of my life.

Answered prayer

If you are wondering why there haven’t been any updates on this space, it is because I have been channelling all my ideas to my poems for my bookpub classes…and well, other school assignments. I have been working on a few projects that I am actually excited to undertake, and I am praying that all will go well eventually. Another eight more weeks to my unofficial graduation. I received two emails that made my day today, one all the way from LA, and another, from an old, dear friend of mine. I also went for NAPFA and passed all the stations except my 2.4km run…but hey at least I tried my best :) One more week to the Christmas break and I am more than ready to do work during that two weeks haha. It sounds strange but it’s the last lap, there is no point in enjoying my holidays when I have a longer one awaiting me after I unofficially graduate :) Speaking of which, pick up a copy of npTribune and lookout for my byline!

I can also safely say, at the end of week 8, I call/email people for interviews #likeaboss. The initial fear of talking to strangers has finally dissipated. While I still hate the exhorting, cajoling, coaxing my interviewees part of my interviews, I know that God is in control and He will hold me fast. He will not allow me to become a cold-blooded, detached person just for the sake of getting a story.