Resilience

If anything, I have lost that spark and drive for awhile now. Where did my resilient demeanour go? Somewhere along the way I convinced myself that being positive can be a very difficult thing to do. It’s a scary thing to lose focus in life. You know this is what you want, but you have no idea how to get around to reach it. I know this is what I want, so why do I feel so weak-willed, and uninterested that I am finally given an opportunity that will take me somewhere I have always wanted to be?

It’s a fearful thing to forget your dreams. It’s a even more scary thing to forget to keep your eyes on God.

I don’t wish to forget either.

I want to be  f e a r l e s s. To have nothing to lose.

Because here comes the tough part about acquiring just about everything you want: there’s always a chance that you might lose everything in a split second; nothing is ever worth it or meaningful enough because everything comes too easily. I don’t want to become such a person – to not know what’s it like to fight for something I love.

So fight I will, and must.

HYPE ISSUE 34

Those are the only articles I wrote for HYPE because I undertook the big eco feature & the dementia feature in npTribune. Enjoyed it thoroughly nonetheless. One of the many wonderful adventures I had was eating my very first bowl of salad – JUST VEGES. I know I will live in misery for the rest of my life if I don’t end up being a journalist.

You can view the pdf version here. (Or alternatively go to mindscafe and a few other locations around sg for a physical copy)

2011

I want to do well so badly in life it’s ridiculous. But procrastination is my worst enemy as always. What’s more ridiculous is how I lack the discipline to get down to it.

Everyday feels like a Saturday to me. Especially this week. Its bad, because I will get a rude shock when I get back to school in two day’s time.

But I missed this. I missed Saturdays in LA especially.

This year flew by way too fast.

I still can’t believe how I made it to Hollywood, or how I got through the six months living on my own. I managed to get away from Singapore, which I vaguely recall, was driving me to the brink of asphyxiation. I remember how all my innate instincts were resonating with the same voice, telling me that it was time to go, even if it meant leaving Sam and my loved ones for a while. I remember the frustration when my visa got delayed, and how I couldn’t sleep for nights because I knew that if it didn’t work out fine in the end, I would probably be a very miserable grump up till now. But being away healed me in ways I never thought possible. I learnt how to tune out to things that I shouldn’t be concerned with, to truly be myself again…because nobody knew me there and I am truly myself when nobody is looking, which is, the reason why I love being by myself alot.

I worked at Myriad, which was in my opinion, the best place to be if you’re learning the ropes to the American film industry. I worked under a tough boss, and had good and bad days in the office. The good ones would see me joking with my colleagues and fighting over chocolate and starburst candies or making stupid, silly jokes about one another, and the bad ones saw me crying during the day cos I was missing it here too much. I know the times I could have gotten fired due to my careless blunders, but God is so gracious…His grace is all sufficient for me.

I met Maria, who is the most wonderful person to live with if you’re away from home for a while. I will always, always remember her kindness and graciousness to me..and how she took care of me throughout my stay there.

They say trips could make or break a relationship, but fortunately for Sam and I, the long distance didn’t manage to harm or threaten the balance of ours. In fact, though Melody and Hosanna thought that I was very nonchalant about the bouquet of tulips he bought me on the day he met me after three months, I was indeed, very touched. Except tulips weren’t my favourite…and I didn’t know how to react after not seeing him for so, so long. But the three weeks in LA with Sam has been by far the most magical moments of my life. And though he isn’t the kind of guy to buy me the right flowers, what matters was that he flew so many miles out just right after his last paper ended to see me. Me. Till today I marvel at why he has decided to come back and settle for me, because he could have just continued…walking and leaving. (and to add impact to my point, I am going to tell all of you who thought I was wrong about him: I have always stood firm that Sam has it in him to be the right kind of guy for me. Even if he did a lot that was wrong before. But this is what I did: I truly believed that he could be a good person. And I am happy to say that he hasn’t proven me wrong. And heres to all of you who thought I would look back to when I was 15 and think I was stupid or foolish – I never regretted waiting.) Its been six years now.

I travelled on my own to New York after the internship, lugging two 70 pound luggages to LAX. And trust me, getting through customs in America can be ultra scary. I don’t know how I did it really! I got to Charlotte for my transit flight to New York and realised that my flight was the last one they allowed out due to Hurricane Irene which was touching down that weekend. So I got to experience a true hurricane….and having to clear out a flooded basement at 7am in the morning. Speaking of New York, I remember vividly that one night I sat in prayer telling God my hopes and dreams and how New York is that one city in this world I have to be at before I turn 25. And I was…there.

When I came back, I got to meet up with Ted aka Josh Radnor from HIMYM as a Myriad representative at SIFF, and…it was just so strange to read up so much about someone and finally get to meet this someone in person. Julianna then came to Singapore from LA on a business trip, and I took her on a crazy one day tour.

I also got accepted to UniMelb and Monash….but still really want to study locally though. Life decisions sigh.

And then on Christmas I received a mail from the school’s corporate comms department, with a magazine that had me in it, which was kind of weird cos I always thought that people who appeared in such magazines are nerds(well I guess that kind of makes me one now).

Other than that, I picked up poetry writing thanks to book writing and publishing classes, and also managed to get real feedback on my work. I got to specialise in journalism too, which is…still pretty amazing.

Sometimes God is just so good, no wait, scratch that – God is ALWAYS good(even if I am not considered to be petite anymore cos I have grown proportionally to resemble the Caucasian size…or even if I put on too much weight due to my trip to the states). Everything that happened to me in 2011 was nothing short of amazing. One of the best years of my life.

Answered prayer

If you are wondering why there haven’t been any updates on this space, it is because I have been channelling all my ideas to my poems for my bookpub classes…and well, other school assignments. I have been working on a few projects that I am actually excited to undertake, and I am praying that all will go well eventually. Another eight more weeks to my unofficial graduation. I received two emails that made my day today, one all the way from LA, and another, from an old, dear friend of mine. I also went for NAPFA and passed all the stations except my 2.4km run…but hey at least I tried my best :) One more week to the Christmas break and I am more than ready to do work during that two weeks haha. It sounds strange but it’s the last lap, there is no point in enjoying my holidays when I have a longer one awaiting me after I unofficially graduate :) Speaking of which, pick up a copy of npTribune and lookout for my byline!

I can also safely say, at the end of week 8, I call/email people for interviews #likeaboss. The initial fear of talking to strangers has finally dissipated. While I still hate the exhorting, cajoling, coaxing my interviewees part of my interviews, I know that God is in control and He will hold me fast. He will not allow me to become a cold-blooded, detached person just for the sake of getting a story.

Terminology

I cannot begin to explain the thrill of one line poems. Or Ekphrasis or Caesuras. BOOKPUB classes on Wednesday evenings will be therapy sessions for the rest of the ten weeks I have left in school. How exciting. To understand language in depth and to gain insight into the many different forms of it. To deconstruct and then construct. To break away cliches and insert concretes into the abstract, something that never occurred to me that I should do because I love the abstracts.

Every single new term I learn, rolls on my tongue so…delightfully. Painlessly.

caesuras caesuras caesuras

This comes under fine arts. Mastering what is beautiful.

Contradicting convictions

I have been thinking – what if there is no one job I could do my whole life? Just because all human beings are fickle and need change constantly in their lives. I spoke to an environmentalist earlier on, who started out studying media, and went on to do PR and then decided she wanted to do writing but ended up setting up a non-profit organization, and her very own green PR company.

When she was my age, she was looking for that one job she would do all her life too.

What if there is no such thing as having just one profession all my life? Would I be job hopping? Would I hate my job(s) so much that I end up being poor(or rich) and miserable? I hate the thought of not knowing what I m going to be in future. It frightens me a lot. I wish I had devised a plan B…now I guess I just have to look for it. And fast.

I couldn’t be more nonchalant about my acceptance to the best university in Australia. I received the news today. I guess it’s because I know I will never have the money to be able to go…and I’ve used much of my parents savings when I took a trip to LA last April.

Sometimes, having to choose does not necessarily mean freedom to choose. Is there true freedom in choosing when you’ve so many options? I guess not.

I miss it when the only things I had to choose were between an apple or an orange, the piano or ballet, pink or yellow dress, to do or not do, to go or not go.

I was so much myself when I was living in LA. Simply because nobody there knew me. You know what they say, when no one is looking, that’s who you really are.

I worked so hard for two years doing something I love, only to realise I dislike the person I have become because of it. But I refuse to let it consume me. Refuse.

Falling in and out of

I miss working at Myriad. I miss having KOST 103.5 play all day and listening to cheesy….love songs and the playlist that is on constant repeat. It’s mid week two and I am so strained. I feel like a rubber band stretched to its maximum, as though I can snap any moment now – and I know can and will.

Despite being swamped with so much work (I think. Or maybe my perception of work has changed having worked in a slower pace in LA), I refuse to let myself have an excuse to not spend time with the Lord. Which is why, I went to the Japanese Garden today for a good game of amazing race and singspiration with the churchies. If not for the day off today…I can’t imagine what was going to happen to me.

When did this become so hard for me? I used to love it so much I could go for days without sleeping or eating. More importantly, why does it seem so only now? Is it possible to not want everything that you’ve always wanted after spending almost three years to get to where you are? This was what I wanted. Is this what I still want now? Or did I fall out of love with journ and fall in love with film? I can no longer separate these two ideas: being lazy or losing my grip on the things I want. So which is which?

(Sometimes I feel like I can relate to what Sylvia Plath was saying about the fig tree in her book. Other times I feel like I am almost like her…but I am hoping I am not someone like her because then it would mean that I am as insane as her)

I don’t know honestly. All I know is I feel so, so, so tired.

God save me.

1 Corinthians 3:6-9 (KJV)

 ⁶I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase.

 ⁷So then neither is he that planteth any thing, neither he that watereth; but God that giveth the increase.

 ⁸Now he that planteth and he that watereth are one: and every man shall receive his own reward according to his own labour.

“A story told twice is fiction”

This is one class that I felt I was waiting for all my life. So this is what it means to be really in love with something. That if I don’t do this, there is nothing else I’d rather – there is nothing else I can see myself doing other than.

But I m going to stop here because as desmond kon says, that if I ever want to be published, I have to stop putting ALL my ideas on the internet – because no one is going to publish published work.

I am exhausted after all that information overload…but am so happy. And excited. Really excited. The class over ran by approximately 25 minutes..and I was genuinely okay with it.

Natasha Bedingfield: Unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten