Damn it

I have a problem with being overly anxious. It is this same spirit that has caused me to fail my math exams year after year with a consistent F9. It is also this same anxiousness that has caused me to fail tests, interviews and etc. When I am practicing math I always get the answers correct. When I am in an exam it goes down hill. Same with what happened today.

Am so sick of being so freaking nervous all the time. WHAT IS THERE TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT, STUPID. I am so bloody angry with myself. The amount I have already spent on mastering this skill can already buy me a Prada. It’s enough.

Now I have to wait another two months before I can try again. What is with me and these tests that make me so jittery that everything I learn just goes out of the window?

The person who created tests/exams ought to be shot. Who says you don’t have knowledge about something just because you FAILED THE TEST?! A test/exam/interview is not an accurate measurement of someone’s intellect/skills.

I AM DONE HERE.

Dreams

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

 

Melbourne in June

Really hoping I get to go and things do work out eventually.

As for now, am really tired and have to hit the hay. Went to see Wicked today with Sam; it was good, but overhyped I guess.

My good Friday was really good. It’s too bad I can’t go for easter Sunday. Well its high time I stop being self-absorbed and spare a thought for my family.

I wonder what’s worse: Not having enough money or not having to get to buy whatever I want, when I want it.

I guess both are equally bad – and can coexist.

Hand me some balsamic vinegar please!

One of the things I ate and really liked during the time I lived in LA was dipping bread into olive oil and balsamic vinegar (the more aged, the better!), sprinkled on with a bit of salt. Since I am still on a (painful and difficult) diet, I googled this snack and found that it is a healthy snack since olive oil is good oil, and well as long as I do wholemeal breads it beats white bread hands down any time. (CARBS WIN)

I miss eating this so so so so so so much! You have no idea!!!!!

Here’s the recipe if you’d like to try it, though don’t forget to add salt to the olive oil and balsamic mixture or else it would just be bland and really sour haha.

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(via tumblr)

6 more days to a year since I set foot there.

Still feels like yesterday.

At times I fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night with a startle while my room is still dark and cold and dry, and I’d pretend the hum of the air con doesn’t exist. It would usually be cold without flipping on the switch to it in my apartment on Kelton Ave. It was the 12 degrees cold that would chew me at the toes. During the few seconds before my eyes get accustomed to seeing the vague outlines and silhouettes of the furniture in my crammed room in the dark, I would pretend I was still in the white room with a white bed with white sheets against the white wall. I would sit by the edge of my bed for a moment and my feet would hover slightly above the floor, refusing to land itself. Carpet, not square tiles; fuzzy and soft, not cold and hard and unfeeling.

More often than not I retract my feet and tuck them in, under the comfort of my duvet, refusing to break the illusion.

I shut my eyes to the world and fall back asleep before I can make out where I am in the dark.

Sometimes I wonder what would it be like to go through all of my life missing the life I had there.

Growing up is no longer growing up

There’s something odd about being 20 and looking across to the other side of the train carriage, only to find a thirteen year old who dresses like you do. So is she over dressing? Or am I dressing too young for my age?

不认老也不行！！！！

Time really flies.

The only consolation is that…

She has the body of a banana/apple and you probably have yours somewhere in between a pear and hourglass.

So here’s a poem for all ya oldies like me:

Old Age Gets Up – Ted Hughes

Lost 2kg!

Held back the urge to weigh myself on the scales for more than a week, this morning I woke up and decided that I should and I lost weight thanks to the wisdom tooth post-op recovery process! I cannot be happier about that, though it is a bit of a hell not getting to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. My stomach seems to have shrunk because I find it hard to stuff too much food in there now. This is what self-control is all about isn’t it? A little bit of discipline goes a long way.

Resilience

If anything, I have lost that spark and drive for awhile now. Where did my resilient demeanour go? Somewhere along the way I convinced myself that being positive can be a very difficult thing to do. It’s a scary thing to lose focus in life. You know this is what you want, but you have no idea how to get around to reach it. I know this is what I want, so why do I feel so weak-willed, and uninterested that I am finally given an opportunity that will take me somewhere I have always wanted to be?

It’s a fearful thing to forget your dreams. It’s a even more scary thing to forget to keep your eyes on God.

I don’t wish to forget either.

I want to be  f e a r l e s s. To have nothing to lose.

Because here comes the tough part about acquiring just about everything you want: there’s always a chance that you might lose everything in a split second; nothing is ever worth it or meaningful enough because everything comes too easily. I don’t want to become such a person – to not know what’s it like to fight for something I love.

So fight I will, and must.

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It seems like I still can’t get rid of the california bug. In fact it has driven me to the point where I have started shipping clothes in from my favourite stores there. If I had the money, I would go back there to visit for a month. (I could make that sort of money in perhaps, three months with my current job).

The op went really well and my surgeon was superb. I was hardly bleeding at all after it was over. When I walked into the operating theatre I thought the scene bore an uncanny resemblance to the one in Fringe where they grabbed Olivia and put her there to harvest her baby. I didn’t have any time to freak out or yelp at the nurse who stuck a needle into my vein. I was out within three seconds. Anyway, when I was under the anesthetic, I dreamt about the dress I wanted to buy, duck mee, and Sam. I can’t remember what exactly about Sam I dreamt about because the moment he came into my dream the nurse woke me up. I guess you just think about the most important person in your life subconsciously when you’re in a somewhat critical moment. The doc also gave me a few jabs on my tongue and gums – all when I was sleeping, and this made my first day very bearable, since the first day is supposed to hurt the most!

When I woke up, I had blurred vision for quite a while. I could hardly mumble or smile. I thought about how it must have been hard on ah ma all those years she was on the morphine. To be drugged day and night just to be numbed from the pain. I only had one tube sticking into my left wrist…she had much more. It’s been so many years but I still think of her and miss her everyday.

It’s great to be resting.